Grief Brain: learning to include it, not resolve it.
The experience of grief and loss is one of the most difficult aspects of being human. It is especially difficult when we are already struggling with chronic illness or trauma patterns, and then the death of a loved one occurs at the same time.
If you’re trying to heal your nervous system, retrain your brain, or work through long-standing patterns, grief can feel like it pulls you backward or slows everything down. It can be disorienting to want to move forward while carrying such deep sadness.
I want to speak about this issue as it seems like more than a normal amount of my clients/community members and friends have been going through the process of grief while trying to rewire their brains and find healing from chronic illness.
An Insight into Grief
Grief is not a “negative emotion” that must be ‘rewired.’
It is a natural and normal physiological and emotional response and is a healthy reaction to loss. I’ve come across some wacky ideas from those in the rewiring community that they need to “rewire their grief” and do away with it.
Grief brain is not a limbic impairment, it’s a response by the brain that is trying to make sense of how to understand what has happened.
Grief is a process of learning to include it, not resolve it.
The brain is being asked to understand how to conceptualize where this person still exists. It’s a shock to the psyche in some ways to try to understand how to be okay when that person is no longer living. I think this is a process of teaching the brain that the person is not living, but the love for the person never leaves, and the energetic and spiritual connection is eternal.
So the brain is learning that love lasts even though there is sadness and absence. This is a real paradox for the brain, and that is why the process of acceptance and processing grief does take time.
Traumatic loss can actually be experienced much like a brain injury or post-traumatic stress disorder.
Traumatic loss can trigger deep protective mechanisms in the brain and limbic system as loss is perceived as a threat to survival. This creates a flood of emotions and results in neuroplastic changes in the brain.
The typical brain firing patterns are interrupted, and new (usually temporary) brain firing patterns form that can cause a host of debilitating symptoms. These symptoms can include brain fog, tiredness, forgetfulness, dissociation, sleep disturbance, immune dysregulation, heart changes, dysautonomia, and more. This can result in a chronic stress response if grief is not met and processed.
And yet, this grief is a normal protective process. In other words, these symptoms are not wrong. But they are uncomfortable.
Grief and Depression Are Different, But They Often Feel the Same
I see grief as something different from depression because grief is tied to loss. It’s a response to something specific that’s been taken away. A grieving person might feel deep sadness, pain, or hopelessness, but those feelings are connected to the absence of someone they loved.
A depressed person, on the other hand, feels that heaviness even if nothing in their life has changed on the outside. Someone who is truly depressed might feel empty, numb, or hopeless, even if everyone they love is still with them. The sadness doesn’t go away when they’re surrounded by love or support, it’s more constant and internal.
Here’s another way to think about it. If the person you’re grieving suddenly came back to life, your grief might lift. The “weight” would ease because the loss is no longer real. But for someone with depression, their feelings would likely stay the same, even if nothing was missing.
Symptoms To Look Out For
Grief and depression can feel very similar, especially when you’re deep in it. Both can leave you tired, foggy, and emotionally drained. But they’re not exactly the same.
When you’re grieving, your brain is doing its best to process something really hard. You might feel mentally foggy, forgetful, or like you’re moving through quicksand.
This is sometimes called grief brain fog or grief brain fog symptoms. Some common things you might notice include:
- Trouble concentrating or staying focused
- Forgetting small details or tasks
- Feeling disoriented or mentally “blurry”
- Struggling to make decisions
- Reading or listening, but not remembering what you just took in
This grief brain fog is part of your brain’s way of coping. It’s protecting you by filtering out extra information while you process the pain of the loss.
How To Work With a Grief Brain?
Look at the ancient way of grief rituals. We are not wired to heal grief alone, and ancient cultures understood this.
Grief was a community event, not a personal event. This is huge. We are wired to grieve together. We are wired to wail and scream and shout and cry together as a tribe. We have lost that ritual.
Many modern cultures have lost the capacity to appropriately somatically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually process our grief.
Find a grief circle or create one in your life with those who are burdened by the loss. Learn about ancient grief rituals and seek to reenact them.
Learn about the “death wail” and find your own way to do this, ideally with others.
At the very least, find supportive friends who are able to hold space and listen to what this process has been like for you.
Recognize the sacred spiritual process you are going through.
Find books that help you create your own grief rituals, such as the “Good Grief Rituals” book by Elaine Childs-Gowel. This book was helpful to me in my processing of grief. There are others as well. Find a way to make the process rich with ceremony.
Take the time to journal, process, and be with yourself and fully express all your emotions, thoughts, and feelings. This allows your brain to consciously see all that is happening so that it can “learn” to catch up with the current reality and begin to go through the process of acceptance.
Find a way to somatically express grief. The body wants to weep and wail, shout and scream.
Do it. Let your body speak and move the energy. And then find grounding and self-compassion for the body and its experience.
Remember to do your best to love yourself enough to eat well, sleep as best you can, and move your body daily, ideally outside in the sun. Grief doesn’t go away; your memory of loss will be with you.
Grief does, however, become included in your experience and therefore doesn’t take up all of your brain space as you go through the process of acceptance.
Brain Retraining While Experiencing Grief is Evolving
In the brain retraining world, we are told to “elevate our mood and visualize a positive future.” That can be very difficult during grief. And it’s also important to teach the brain that there isn’t danger happening, so the brain can calm down after the loss of a loved one.
I recommend still trying to do some uplifting practices daily, whether it’s brain retraining, time with friends, watching funny movies, walking in nature, etc. And also be realistic in what your visualizations are, as it might be more about being calm, feeling connected, and enjoying nature rather than “yay, life is so much fun right now!”
So take a moderate approach that does not discount your current experience of grief.That being said, it doesn’t mean to let grief take you into a hole. Try to have a container time to “really grieve”.
For example, I’m going to take the next 20 minutes and really let myself cry, shout, move, grieve, and then I’m going to go for a nice walk or make myself a cup of tea and read a book I enjoy. In other words, it is about finding a balance between processing grief and also showing your brain that there is still life to live that can be satisfying.
We must learn to hold the tensions of the opposites.
I am sad, and I am still here with a life to live.
I miss them, and yet their love is still with me.
I don’t want life to go on without them, yet life is still calling me to live.
And know that in time, your brain will ‘learn’ how to have a new relationship with your loved ones, and will accept that it is a more spiritual and energetic connection now, while having the capacity to have gratitude for the physical connection of the past.
Closing: Holding Grief and Hope Together
with Safety
For anyone grieving right now, may you take a quiet moment to feel the deep, unbreakable connection you still hold with the one you love. That bond cannot be taken from you. Love is something that lives beyond loss.
As you learn to carry both the heaviness of grief and the hope for new life ahead, know that you don’t have to do it alone. At Primal Trust™, we believe in creating space for both.
Our community and practices are here to gently support you as you honor your grief, rebuild safety in your body, and slowly rediscover what healing can feel like, without rushing, forcing, or bypassing your experience.
With love,
Dr. Cat
